in the course of your education you have been taught to look for the right answer, but you also must know that in life, many times, the right answer is that there isn't one. there isn't a solution. there are certain kinds of circumstance that you just can't fix, certain problems that fatigue you long before you've begun to untwist the tangled lines of reason, long before you reach the knot at the core and break it just enough to know what's causing this, all of it, this lack of self-reliance, this somber, consistant discontent, this juxtaposition of hope and effort followed always by acceptance that i can't make anything change. maybe i just don't belong in a sorority or anywhere really. i'm not sure i'll ever belong anywhere the way i used to belong everywhere. i can count the people i honestly consider to be friends here on one hand. more than half are some shade of unhappy. and some of them want me to be someone i can't be right now, someone that maybe i used to be, someone that they created in me. i've never had this problem before. friendly, flirty, largely a people person, why can't i even muster up the energy to begin? my life is already largely jobs & school, & after spring break the trend is just going to escalate another notch until summer gets here & it's not so glaringly obvious that i have next to nobody because i've really just been that busy.

because distraction is 2nd best to continually trying to solve the unsolvable equations. i've lost my optimism, my simple, silly, carefree exterior. i've lost my desire to go out & be social just for the heck of it. me + a boy that i love more than i ever knew i could love anyone = what? happiness, yes, when we talk, when i feel it acutely enough that everything else stops. but the other byproducts are too convoluted for me to begin. i have no desire to even talk to other boys. i avoid going out because not only is it not fun to flirt, i don't even think i'm capable of it. and since i also don't know how, i find myself sitting on the couch in the corner talking politely to a handful of friends who can probably sense the difference in me. but yay only three more days until i catch my flight to the sunshine state! i don't want to keep doing this. i just want to be happy here & anywhere. i just want my old self back. but what if this problem has no solution? what if this convoluted, largely negative product is what i'm forced to live with until i find the proper variables to change? what if there are no such variables, what if the only right answer is that there is no answer, what if nothing ever gets any better? hope is a thing with feathers, but sometimes futility makes flying an unfathomable thing.