i spent the end of my freshman year arguing fervently against determinism. i don't believe in fate, predestination. i always have to force myself to not roll my eyes when someone attempts to summarize their life by saying "well, everything happens for a reason, right?" i believe we can make reasons for anything if we need them desperately enough, i believe that they would be more accurately referred to as justifications, explanations. i believe that despite my disbelief, it's impossible not to marvel at the concurrent circumstance that makes things happen, the way situations unfold and every now and then we stumble upon something we never knew we needed so desperately.

consider my current relationship. from a chance meeting while babysitting to being on the brink of five winters later, he has been the constant thread through it all. if someone had told me years ago that i would fall in love with someone i already knew, someone who had always been there, but never been anything particular to me, i wouldn't have even been willing to consider the possibility. if someone had told me that my carefree, experimental approach to those florida summers would lead to a relationship that i'd like to last for the rest of my life, my expression would have revealed how far out in the periphery i considered that possibility. if someone had let me know freshman year that i'd spend my college career dealing daily with the distance i considered unfathomable when i first moved, i'd have told them they really just must not know me. but attraction is an adventure, infatuation unravels into patterns, and an earnest yearning for repetition is perhaps the first foundation for love.

consider what i will leave behind after graduation, the exact student group i would have wanted at the start. and being that my college experience has largely been characterized by a lack of conviction, by adopting obligations and positions that had very little personal relevance, of blindly committing without any passion - it's refreshing to have found something i care about, independent of anyone else or their expectations of me, to finally feel content within the sorority. it's even more amazing to actually think how it came to be. consider my last time coaching volleyball this spring, my promotion to jv so that my last year will be spent with the same girls who gave me my best year, who inspire me in a way that can't be summarized except with cheesy expressions cliched by teachers and coaches all across america. it's a simple as being a role model, as hoping that through a combination of athletes and a positive, encouraging team environment they will want to keep playing, achieving for as long as they can. consider that first email sent over the au listserv my freshman year, and my impetuous response. then the phone call the next year from the head coach, the brief meeting in the o phi a house living room.

consider running through the lesser parts of town at dusk just because i cared about this job enough. consider the way it became transformative, how amazing it is to be able to keep something in your life when you love it, of finding a way to enjoy it even if any ability you once had is irrelevant when it hurts to cradle for more than ten minutes. consider a student group that's always been around, but one that i've found just when i realized the empty feeling i got while reading my resume was simply because it was a testament to smart, selfish decisions. consider my chance discovery, my whim to show up at the new volunteer training, my instinct to follow through even though i had to leave early and in some sense it seemed silly, going through training sessions with freshman when my days as an undergraduate student continued to slip away. but i did it anyway. and thursday mornings are distinct. for two hours i help people who can actually be helped by me. we make them resumes, call potential employeers, fill out tedious job applications, help them find shelter, food, support, clothing, pretty much whatever they need. their faces when they walk away, full of confidence and autonomy. it's hands on and actually allows me to act in a concurrent way to one belief i've always had - any help you can give is eventually void unless you are helping someone learn how to help themselves.

getting what you want and finding what you need are entirely different things. i'll always be sensitive and motivated to please others. i'm going to spend my entire life being prone to pondering with a dramatic penchant for feeling things in their extremes. when i'm sad, i'll find someplace safe to be alone. when i'm happy, i'll have the same stupid instinct to avoid certain people out of fear that they'll bring me crashing back down. considering the effort it takes for any significant portion of my day to spent inbetween, it's hard for me to be social. it doesn't matter that any personality test in existance will rate me as extremely extroverted, that somehow or another i've gathered enough self confidence to be content with who i am and what my life means. i've created a justification for the fact that even in my most anxious periods i never let someone or something other than me be the solution and that justification is that i'm me - someone who equates living with trying, who doesn't believe in everything happening for a reason, but in an individual penchant to be open to possibility, to be relentless in the pursuit of satisfaction, of days filled just the way you want them. in living your life like it's your own, in not making too many rules you feel obligated to follow, in refusing to let reason intervene, in never believing it's too late or you're too old.