it always comes down to the places; i remember rooms as well as i remember faces. four walls can freeze memories i'd otherwise forget. i'm overwhelmed by emotion when i set my foot on once-familiar ground. i find that while yes, my life is changing, the thing that gets to me the most is that the context of it will change. the frequently traveled paths, the rooms i've lived in, the grassy green fields where a new kind of love unfolded right before me, all of them will be but a picture in my mind until i come back again and experience them through a cloudy lense of nostalgia. i've spent 5.5 years being ambivalent about college, but the one thing i can whole-heartedly embrace is the life i've made for myself in this setting. the relationships i've maintained are more than wonderful, they are utterly necessary. the jobs i've undertaken are not only lucrative and often exhausting, but unbelievably fufilling. and the bottom line is, i'm good at what i do here. i couldn't be a better coach, a better babysitter, a better person to myself when i have all this time to remember to treat myself better. and i'm terrified what will happen when i leave all this behind. i've never been very good at reaffirming myself even in the face of so many reminders of my capability and worth. moving to the beach would mean i get him, but i'll also have the challenge of searching for a career & starting over in a new setting, and the only slightly less crippling challenge of context.

i went home for a few days & spent the majority of it with him. we even had a talk about how we both seem to have love / hate relationships with our respective schools, lol. it was the first time ever that i felt i was beginning to reflect who i've become out here back there. but for the most part, i'm afraid that it will just be too hard to keep this up. that eventually i'll start to resent him or unforeseen circumstances will get in the way somehow. part of me wonders if the thing i need most is a completely fresh start. but that's something i can probably never have. i just want to have more people i love that i'm not paid to spend time with. i just want to feel as comfortable around people my own age as i do around 22 sixteen and seventeen year old girls. i just want to have as much fun with my friends as i do with the kids i babysit. i am capable of caring about people so much (probably too much). i'm just sensitive. it's complicated. and i can't love you unconditionally until i know that you reciprocate those feelings. i'm caught between wanting to make a million changes and feeling like the reason my life is this way is because i more or less chose it. i'm caught between thinking that i can modify almost anything, but at the same time realizing that it would be an impossibility. and now it's gotten late and i'm probably not thinking straight.