i can't (& never have been able to) go through the motions of convention. i can't find boys at bars and hope that one turns out to be mr. right. i can't get drunk and become a kissing slut and slowly check off each state until i've covered them all. i can't dwell in the ambiguity that college offers, the opportunities that were once just down the hall. because it all feels so false and i want more. i suck at college love. i want someone to send me flowers because it's monday. i want someone who feels comfortable calling at any hour, even on the busiest day. i want a song to share, that means something more to us than anyone else. i want sundays spent lying in bed. i want pillows that smell like cologne, tshirts twice my size to wear at night. i want someone to watch the fucking stars with me, and see beauty. but i could do without all these things. i do do without these things, and i do fine.

but fine is no excuse to stay alive. what i need is someone to challenge me, someone who thinks differently. someone who wants to keep me perputually on the edge until i get it right. i need incentive. i need someone to make me want them. i need someone who refuses to be easy. i need real honesty, not the "your eyes are so beautiful" kind or the "i'm going to love you forever" kind, but the "you know, i'm not really sure if i have any fucking idea what love is, but i feel something" kind. i need someone that accepts that this world is a fucking tradegy but still knows how to laugh daily. i need someone who can win the games we have to play. i need someone who understands what it's like to be your own worst critic. i need someone who will both build me up and tear me down daily. because i do it on my own anyway. i need someone to understand that i may never be happy. but i'll act like i am and that's okay. i feel too damn much for it to be any other way.