freshman year i took psychology of personality and agreed entirely when they said that character traits show slim variability over time. it's not that i disagree now, it's just that my initial haste to believe that i'd always be the person i was used to being failed to consider the mutable nature of time and circumstance. i was thinking tonight that with the exception of a few close friends & family, it's been weeks since i've really talked to anyone. the only time i see other assorted friends is during class, in passing, or when engaged in some alcohol consuming activity. in high school i kept myself up hours later than i needed to every night just to talk to other people, to divulge the play by play of my days & absorb other's annecdotes & thoughts like a sponge of tidbits. a combination of nosy and compassionate and an endless suppy of energy that i can only attribute to being slightly manic, there's little of it left now except compassion when things are brought to my attention or something reminds me of that time when it literally oozed out of me. and what can be blamed? i'm busier now, more detached from the humanity of my surroundings.

four and a half years and i still haven't found many people here that engage me the way any random person sitting next to me used to. i've become almost standoffish, & living alone hasn't helped the situation at all either. i miss the roomie, but nothing will change unless i actually extend my own space to others, unless i keep in touch (when did i get so awful at keeping in touch?), unless i find some of the infectious curiosity & empathy that used to be so perfunctory. and i'm sorry. i'm well aware of what i'm doing. i've been making it easy to leave this place since i first got here. and all the people i convinced myself that it could be different with, well i smile as i pass by but thats about it. i can't be the girl i used to be, and sometimes i wonder if the only thing that's ever been magnetic about me was the carefree way i was able to flirt so naturally, exuding positive reinforcement with laughter that never ceased and an unblinking blue eyed stare of complete absorption. but now i don't even give complete attention to myself. i'm a super efficent model of american idealism; better at multitasking than i am at concetrating my energy on even the most captivating thing.

i consume & produce & reflect on occasion & yes, i miss meandering through complex social webs, yes, i miss making it a priority to find out how your day was, yes i miss online conversations that go on for hours and being kept up by someone who really wants to talk about something (& not just because they're drunk or lonely). but i don't know how to change anything, i seem to have forgotten how to be a good friend, how to be a responsive, empathetic person, a decent human being. instead i'm good at pretending i don't need anybody & passing weeks by at lightning speed just to achieve an extra hour or 2 of sleep. the very sleep i scheduled for tonight that i'm sacraficing to write this, just another self indulgent rant that nobody else in the world can relate to. i don't know how or why or much of anything. i feel like it's been years since i've written a single insightful thing. and i'm sick of scheduling my life so i can continually avoid realizations like this, but even more sick of feeling inadequate, & thoroughly exhausted with feeling different from everybody, especially from the way i used to be.