"just accept that you're not going to settle for something that isn't a good fit", he said, and it actually made me feel better, since i always need someone else to justify my indecision, my persistant seeking, my inability to take something ordinary instead of exquisite. when he says he could do it, for just a few years, just show up and sit there, part of me envies him. it's because of a greater vision, a sense of where he's going, that the late nights & sunny saturdays spent sitting in front of the computer screen would feel worth it. but my greater vision doesn't include an eventual 'buy side' or forcing myself to get through some sort of flexible-work schedule once i have kids. the bottom line is, it doesn't include living to work instead of working to live. this year, it was nothing short of passion that got me from september to june. it was the adoration i felt for my students, the absolute intensity with which i believed that they all deserved a chance to achieve. and now transitioning from that to a retail setting, hasn't been all its cracked up to be. the happiness i felt at discovering the increased salary is fading.

because i don't want to wake up twenty-six and relatively rich, but completely out of touch with the things that sustain me. i want to be able to work hard with purpose, and spend my spare time with friends & family, soaking up sunshine, or writing (all of which i've missed lately). i want to believe in simple pleasures even if i can afford the more elaborate kind. i want my legacy to be love, not money. and when my boss told me that she knew i could do this, but just doubted that i wanted to, i had to agree. because it's not a matter of stamina or mental capabilities. it's just that when a job takes up 60+ hours of your week, it's more than just a job. and when the only people you ever see exist within your workplace walls, you need to absolutely adore them. and ultimately, if you're lucky enough to have a good resume and no debt, it feels foolish to choose monotony and money over simplicity and satisfaction. "just accept that you're not going to settle for something that isn't a good fit", he said, and as the words lingered in my head, continually creeping through my ambivalence and fear, they began to be less justification and more motivation. they began to make perfect sense.