i haven't been this utterly unhappy in a while. babysitting today could be summed up by the smell of shitty diapers and the sting left on my cheeks from a bag of ice that was hurled at my face. and to top it all off, i try to head home for the first time in twelve hours only to find that my most vital key ring - the one with the key to my apartment and mailbox, somehow magically detached itself. maybe it will be at one of the two houses that i spent my entire day at. or maybe it fell off during the half hour inbetween where i stopped a walgreens to unsuccessfully search for a therma-care pad to place on my still aching neck. with my luck, it will be the later and i'll be stuck paying whatever assanine fee they'll charge me. i'm just so tired. it's impossible to sleep well when you can't lean one way and the other way feels too much like an awkward stretch. it's just there's only so much time you can spend taking care of other people's children. it's just i still feel broke, i still can't fathom ever being able to support myself financially, still find ways to spend money on ridiculously frustrating things like replacing a fucking set of apartment keys.

and it's my least favorite night of the week. the night when i call my boyfriend just to vent only to hear he's on his way to the bar and only thinly able to conceal that he just wants to shut me up. the night when i can't not hear the hoards of college students walking down college street, sounding half-drunk, happy, relaxed - pretty much everything i'm not. the night when the weekend unravels in front of me, making me feel pathetic for the plans i have that keep me from making the plans i feel i should have. this weekend it's babysitting for thirty-six straight hours, hoping to fend off a seven year old's anxiety, awkwardly settling into someone else's house. next weekend, it's him, atleast eventually that excitement will sink in. but until then, it's just me, weakly fending off the tears that are just dying to stream down my cheeks.