i haven't been going to class. i'm sleeping roughly half of every day away. it's not quite exhaustion, it's just a clouded feeling of sleepy, a lighthearted desire to lie under blankets and next to pillows, a proclivity for keeping your eyes shut until you have no sense of time at all. it's almost always dark when i open my eyes. i wake up in early evenings or early mornings, never quite certain if the 7 i'm seeing on my clock means i managed to sleep through daylight again this time. my desk is quite full of flowers, and it does make me feel loved. but i'm scared and it's putting me on an edge dripping with giddy laughter, it's forcing me to act even more contrary in every thought/feeling and its never quite equal & opposite reaction.

i'm nervous. so i read a book. i wonder what it would be like to be put to sleep and never wake. i'm worried but rather than admit it, i laugh loudly at something that isn't even funny. it all feels strangely like going crazy. i find comfort in once constant friends that may not even be so constant anymore. they reassure me in a way that i can't even reassure myself. just knowing that they were there before and still exist somewhere out there. just knowing that they may think of me, maybe, sometime during a long day. it gives me faith in something greater than i see in life right now. something sort of like consistency. something sort of like a dream.