i have to think that perhaps it shouldn't take this much persistance to keep myself awake and alert this late at night. i almost wish the airport was farther away so i could leave right now. i'm absolutely awful at waiting, not much better at night driving, and i'll largely be much happier in an hour and a half when he hopefully walks out the airport doors and into my car. i must say that i've gotten along with my parents rather well this break, which is strange considering how much more time i've spent at home. in the past exposure has always been a crucial determinant of conflict. the other night my father insisted i give him a piano concert. i had hardly played since quitting four or five years ago. yet he seemed glad to hear me clumsily bang out songs i had perfected years ago. theres something calming about focusing on nothing more than the key of a piece, but i'm such a horrid perfectionist. i know that's why i couldn't stick with it. i didn't have the time to give enough to ever get any better and i hated the way i rarely played a piece in between weeks of lessons, i hated every mistake i made because i was convinced that the smallest bit of attention and time could fix it - but really, i am awful at preventing interests from becoming obsessions. like reading, i devour books in a greedy fashion - speed reading pages pausing only on spectactular sentences, reading those twice so pieces stick in my mind. i remember books through one or two great lines. i used to remember character's names and plots in more detail, i used to have patience, oh how did i lose so much patience?

i used to get pleasure in the pursuit regardless of pace. i hate the way i always have to out-do myself. nobody else is keeping score. eventually i'll have to break, resolve to do less, but do less better. the new year is here, and a new semester begins next week. i need to savour the days till then; there's certainly not enough of them. my exhaustion is inexhaustible; there's a fatigue in my bones that runs deeper than sleep. i thought three weeks was enough for me to kick this. i do feel better but i can see it reversing so quickly with rush and everything after, with jobs and courses challenging and resources lacking. i want to learn from all the mistakes i made in the past year. i want to stop complaining about things that are (mostly) within my power to change. life can't be a race if nobody ever really wants to be done. i need to take deeper breaths, to turn pages slower, think more about every word i write or say. i need to eat slow enough to taste every bite, to sip a glass of water or wine. i need to wander, to meander slightly, to find things interesting merely because i think deeply about them and not just because they are new or exciting. i need to stop being afraid to not be good at everything. but i'm probably asking for way too much already. it's just i find myself unsatisfactory because i try too hard to be too much.