On Regrouping - 2008-10-29
Comfortable vs Happy - 2008-03-19
Workaholic - 2007-12-31
What is teaching, really - 2007-06-09
Frustrated with humanity - 2006-09-12
2008-10-29 . 3:12 pm
in certain circumstances, i see little pieces of the person i used to be begin to peak out. she appears in occasional gusts of pep and then subsequent embarrassment. and every time it feels like a regression, a throw-back to a classics album, the record i played for four years straight in high school and tossed on frequently through most of college. because back then i was happy. and now recently comes this heightened insecurity that i've forgotten how to be outgoing. for years, i was so thoroughly infused with a sense of purpose that i never had an idle moment to worry about how i might be perceived by others. in fact, i only cared about close friends & family, & that my students thought i was compassionate yet challenging, and if i succeeded at that, little else was relevant. but now, i find myself starting to fear my innate tendency to ramble a little too long or laugh a little too loud. i guess thats what comes from being double crossed one too many times in my life. having a supposed friend take away your job & very sense of security really makes one reevaluate things. but hopefully soon enough there will be an entirely new set of circumstances, ones i've never called my own before. i'll be an adult amongst other professionals performing a job that in its very nature requires that i be attentive, helpful, and thorough. but rather than catering to the needs of others, i'd be facilitating transactions that build infrastructure and create wealth.
i know that a change like this would require quite the paradigm shift, but we'll see. i still don't think i'm ready, and the market certainly isn't what it used to be. and when i ask myself why i'm here, all i try to come back to is that it's a new challenge, and one that will hopefully communicate to the rest of the world that i am intelligent, driven, and valuable in a very tangible sense. i wish those things didn't matter to me, but the truth is i've been desperate to feel what it is like to be respected or liked in a way that wasn't drenched in insincerity. and the simplest truth is that i'm writing because i'm confused, because that's what i do, because these thoughts all tie themselves together in impossible knots and life lately has been a little too hectic for my natural unraveling mechanisms to accomplish much. at the core there's love and longing, but it's all coated in this dripping layer of inadequacy that gives off the scent of fear that even my best efforts won't ever be good enough. because when my heart's no longer in it, i start to get restless, and it starts to panic. and i start to remember why for so many years it was words that finessed my fluctuations and fears. that it is words that will always be my substitute sense of purpose, my humble offering in hopes that just maybe they'll mean something to someone other than me.
and a very relevant link to conclude this entry - [click here]